it has been over a month since i have written. like, anything.
but ever since i decided to link this previously-anonymous blog with my real name, i have felt totally paralyzed. (i think it is a fear-based-people-pleasing issue – it usually is.) i have stopped writing because WHAT IF I ACTUALLY START TO HAVE AN AUDIENCE??? something in me had previously felt safe to write whatever i wanted and post it because i knew less than a handful of people (whom i knew and trusted) would ever read it. i liked living small.
but here’s the thing.
epiphany has been a new season for me.
six weeks ago, i was given a gift as i was invited to offer a gift.
we were in the last call for the advent, christmas, and epiphany ecourse i took with tara owens, and she was reading something that described the gifts of the magi, and how we can offer similar pieces of our lives. offering jesus our gold would be offering him our gifts, the frankincense was our prayers, and the myrrh… i’m sure you have heard that myrrh was used for anointing bodies for burial. so as we walked through this part of the conversation, she invited us to offer our “dead things”, to bury them deep in the ground where they belonged.
i imagined myself going into my barren backyard with its layers of wood chips and compost and burying heavy chains, right there in the dirt..
and suddenly something spoke deep inside me:
powerlessness in general
ARE DEAD TO YOU.
bury them in their grave and be done with them.”
and so i have. something clicked in that moment that made pushing through resistance suddenly make sense, when before, it had always felt like disconnected striving. my false humility was exposed for what it was, and shame lost [some of] its power.
so instead of hanging back in silence, i have spoken up. offered my voice, my hands, my self. that is why i have guest posted, and that is why i am teaching three workshops in the next three months.
and that is why i chose, when i gave my words to new spaces in guest posting, to use my real name. because i am not helpless, and there is no need for fear and hiding.
but as soon as i made that choice, i stopped writing.
the shame still comes up, cyclical, but less, and leaves more quickly – because i see it for the lie it is.
you guys, i have so much to offer.
and offer i will.
i. have. a. voice.
here are the three workshops i mentioned, in case you’d like to join me:
::Be. life and the REST of it:: – a journey through lent with brandy walker – i will be teaching one week’s workshop, about found poetry and encountering God. (March 3-April 20)
::Made:: – an ecourse for christian creatives. i will be offering some of my journey with scripture and art-poetry (though i am creating and submitting my workshop for this course within the next 3 months, it doesn’t begin until september 1, and my workshop itself will actually be in december, advent time).