Thrashing: Day 7: Be honest.

be honest.

why does my breath catch in my throat, and the anxiety begin to squeeze my sternum as i read those words?

it is as if part of me – but not the conscious me, at least most of the time – knows that i have been historically less than truthful. to myself, mostly. i have been unable to acknowledge what i feel, what i think; instead always feeling and thinking what everyone around me does, and expects me to.

i feel panicky as i try to imagine what being completely honest would look like.

authenticity is a word that has grown tired within the past decade or so, but i seem to be only discovering a need for it now. today.

it’s not as if i set out to lie to anyone, and if i recognize that i have, it takes all i have, but i try to make it right. but i’m afraid i slant the truth constantly to please the ears of my audience, whoever they may be. 

this coping habit has been born of fear.

fear of:

*rejection

*being misunderstood, my beauty unseen

*being unloved, unliked, unwanted, alone

*being wrong (if i say what they expect, i will never be accused of being wrong. except when someone plays devil’s advocate WHICH DRIVES ME CRAZY, AND MY ANXIETY LEVELS WAY UP because how can i gauge what they really think, and cater to that, when they are presenting the opposite??)

wow. this runs deep. 

but today, i have sensed a spirit-invitation in this:

to be present with my own heart, so that  i am even able to “be honest”.

to learn to be true, whatever the cost. 

to let the truth set me free.

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