holy hiding

hidden.

that was the word that rushed like wind into me as i listened to a guided lectio divina this evening. the passage about him revealing a new thing, something previously hidden and unknown. and as i pondered why that word, the first flashes were about a secret book i’m writing only for my husband, and the deep hard things i am hoping to explore without drowning. those things that have been hidden a lifetime, even from me, but affect my every day moments in the way my heart responds to a certain word or touch.

but then, oh, then, the graciousness that he has me hidden under his wing. so while i feel no small amount of fear when i begin to face some of those old monsters of shame, i know now: i am safe. he’s got me. that giant feathery strength that can shoulder it all and keep flying, is holding me close to his warm side-belly, secure as we begin to tread unknown paths. together. never alone in the dark.

and as i have felt spirit-urgings over and over to create space for solitude and processing and art and word and all the life-giving things, and it has all the time appeared impossible, with babies that seem never to sleep, and people needing already more than i can give all day… this affirmation of being hidden away as a great and glorious good has come deep to my soul.

we spent much time and energy this summer creating a studio space for me to work and play and worship, and it has gone largely unused. there have been times. but fewer than ever in recent memory. and i need it. we need me to have that oxygen to share.

so i will hide away, create ritual, fence the sprouting growth, protect it. 

and when i open to those deep heart-close places in him, as i relax against his chest, who can say what hidden things will come to light, come to The Light, come to Life?

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3 thoughts on “holy hiding

  1. yes. yes. this: “never alone in the dark.” (that is what I heard God whispering to me during the lectio divina today, too)

    and this: “we need me to have that oxygen to share.” (this reminds me of this quote that Caris shared in the 201 group today: “Monasteries do not exist to say ‘the world is bad – let’s hide.’ They exist because in order to go deeper into the heart of God we have to let go of other things that are constantly calling our attention.”)

    so brave.

  2. I’ve just journeyed my way backwards through your blog, and it has been an immense privilege. I love your wisdom. And I don’t think I breathed through that post about trying to resuscitate the three-year-old.

    I would LOVE to read How to scream: a memoir.

    With love from a former good girl (and is now – well, basically a good girl who swears a lot…)

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